sheeeeeeeeeeeesh

Just like the rest of y’all, these past couple of years has been stesssfuuullll.

But I am trying to get things back together and get consistent with the things I enjoy again. I really missed blogging and making YouTube videos but I’ve felt this intense block. I felt like I had nothing interesting to say and that no one even cares about what I shared but now… I no longer give a shit because I really like making content. I love chatting about things that come to mind and so I am back with a vengeance.

Now allow me to tell you a tale of how intense my life has been starting from 2019. (if you are an astrology person, I am a Capricorn and I have a Capricorn and Aquarius stellium… pray for ya girl)

WARNING: THIS IS WRITTEN IN THE WAY MY BRAIN WORKS. JUST FOLLOW ALONG FOR THE RIDE.

2019, I stayed at home for the second semester of my senior year and had an internship where I discovered that my ex and my new bestie/future podcast co-host were messing with each other behind my back while also getting to know me. we were all in this one small organization where we all knew each other and past traumas and discovering that was insanely embarrassing and traumatizing. I then graduated and started working at small boring jobs that paid shit with kinda insane bosses all while working on my novel that is still unfinished.

I finally realized that I wasn’t going to get a job in the publishing world like I wanted since I had been applying for jobs consistently for over a year but heard nothing back and so I decided to work at a pretty popular bookstore cafe. At that cafe, I was working with this girl who I thought was soooo cute… but she was straight and soon she left the job and I was left alone with a mostly crusty staff and started hearing a whole lot of rumors that my chronically ill manager who has said so many misogynist things in the past had been harassing a bunch of female staff which is why many of them had left. I was angry as hell and wanted to get him fired but it wasn’t my place, he hadn’t harmed me and those who were harassed didn’t want to say anything so I left it alone but I still felt so so horrible at the job.

Two days before Christmas of 2019, we realize that my dog, Mocha’s behavior was getting so much worse and she had started to smell. she had threw up and pooped in the halls and we started getting really concerned. she hid out in the backyard trying to avoid us which meant she was really ill and tried to do what dogs do, protecting us from how ill she was (that’s a thing right? I feel like its a thing). that night we took her to an emergency vet where we learned that she had severe liver damage. the summer of that year she had to get an emergency surgery due to her uterus being enlarged and having another emergency surgery that same year was too much for our family to handle so my dad said that we had to put her down and that destroyed me. Mocha was my baby, she and I had such a deep connection, and for him to just say we had to put her down… I couldn’t handle it. It was just me and my dad there and he refused to be there as she was getting put down so I was in the room by myself with my beloved dog and sobbing with my sister on facetime as she got put down. I felt so alone in that moment, she was my sweet baby girl and my father just sat in the waiting room as I sat next to her as her heart stopped. The fucking nurse left me alone with Mocha for so long after she had passed and I couldn’t just leave her. by herself so for thirty minutes I was in a room with my dog who had passed and then I had to just walk out and get driven home. It was… horrible. My job was so inconsiderate and kept asking me to get them a letter explaining my absence from work because I had to work on Christmas eve (I never got that shit).

fast forward to February 2020, I learned that my best friend of nine years had died, I made a few posts about her so I’ll just add them here and here and here and here. It is almost two years of her passing and her mother still hasn’t told anyone how she passed or what happened that night. She hadn’t even told me that she passed, I learned about it on Facebook, and later that year, she made so many racist posts saying that George Floyd deserved to die and boasting about her love of Trump but had never made any comments about losing her child, just sharing about how good it is that someone else had lost theirs. Two years later and I still don’t know how someone I loved so much died. Just before the pandemic set in and planes were grounded, her body was sent to Tunisia to be buried and those who loved her here never had the closure they need.

The year 2020 was hard, I learned so much about myself but I was making more money than ever before due to unemployment which was fucking great. I was bettering my credit and making elegant meals. Being indoors all year was hard but it was actually kind of nice to have a bit of a break (but I also drank loads and panicked every day due to being black in America and ya know… a fucking global pandemic).

2021 was a bitch. unemployment dried up but at least I was able to go on a nice trip to Disney and LA. During those trips, I discovered that my mom had breast cancer (she has gone through surgery and treatments and is now in remission) and we also realized that my dad’s dementia has gotten worse. He has a few moments of clarity but he often forgets things and him being such a grumpy and arrogant man, getting him help does not seem realistic at all.

Besides the super heavy stuff, I started realizing that I do in fact have ADHD which is the reason for all of the years of fucking struggle and depression. ADHD has made so much of my life make sense but as I tried to get diagnosed, I was definitely gaslit by my doctor who I am still looking for an official diagnosis (I will be doing a series on YouTube about being a neurodiverse writer because so many amazing writing tips are hard as hell to do when you aren’t neurotypical).

I started working at a job in order to gain some money and to move the fuck out but then my manager was a shit and the vibes at my job were freaking horrible. I quit in order to make some money solo and was hoping beyond hope to be leaving the US by the end of 2021 but surprise, a covid surge. My asthmatic ass refuses to even put myself in a position to possibly get covid so I canceled all of my plans and now, I am still here in Brooklyn. Jobless, about to be off my mama’s insurance, and still living with my parents.

AND these crusty ass people don’t want to adopt another pet. I would freaking love to have another dog or even another cat but they will not let me.

I figure that since I am here and sort of feeling like so many of my options have just dried up, I am just deciding to make a shit ton of content again and just not give a shit about what anyone has to say. I mean… I lived through these wild ass years with a fuck ton of pressure and anxiety and feeling so lost.

I am over it.

I am taking no input or criticisms this year.

Peace out, homies.

One response to “sheeeeeeeeeeeesh”

  1. I am sorry to hear that you have had a tough couple of years, a lot of people have. I hope things get better. Thanks for sharing!

    Feel free to read some of my blogs 🙂

    Like

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