The Lazy Weekend

Ugh! Okay. I had an amazingly lazy weekend AND I got all my homework done. I’ve also been killing the crochet game. The “Ugh” at the beginning is just because I am so fucking tired of being fucking broke. Excuse my curses but seriously. I need to start making my own money. I need to be able to go shopping for Autumn and Winter. I am so in love with fashion, skin care and hair care. I just want to buy nice things. I want to spend money. I want to buy my nerdy Harry Potter shit and I want to buy birthday and Christmas gifts for the people I love. I want to go on vacation, get new camera equipment. I want to grow and I can grow while broke but that’s exactly what I’ve been doing for such a long time. I want to grow and be able to buy my own dumb shit. Also, ya girl needs groceries and textbooks. Oh yea, and to actually pay for college.

I’ve been thinking that maybe it’s the universe telling me that I need to become my own boss. That I need to actually put my life and income into my own hands. I just really want to find the steps to get to where I want to go.

I want to spend my week researching. I’ve been tired, hot and crampy but I really want to get things going. I know that I will. This is my end of the year goal. To start making money from my blog and keep working on being my own boss.

But end of the weekend updates. Loud fireworks scared me and my roommates so badly that now we all get super anxious at every sound of airplanes. (We thought the fireworks were a plane crash or some kind of explosion) and my glasses are turning green! Don’t get glasses from urban outfitters then put in your expensive lenses in them! Lesson learned!

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It’s back.

Hello!

Guess who is anxious again!🙃 I was hoping beyond home that I’d actually have a hold on this for this semester but all I feel like I’m doing is spiraling. I had my first therapy session which went great. I learned how to better organize my time. It’s putting it into action and not stressing about it while I do everything that is the issue. I do not want to crash and burn. I REALLY do not want to. I know it happens to the best of us but I’d rather it not happen at all.

All of my studies are hard because I have so many books to read. I’m expected to read like 6-11 chapters within a week in each class. I just feel like I’m drowning. I’ve been trying to think of things that I enjoy so that I don’t feel like I’m sliding under.

I love Autumn and being cozy (It’s been fucking hot for the past few days. I can’t even wear a jean jacket without sweating)

I love candles (The candles that I got don’t have a strong smell)

Food isn’t comforting me. Nor is booze. I can’t lay in bed for too long because I get restless. I don’t feel centered or chill. I feel like I’m jittering everywhere. I have my special comforts. I just don’t know how to incorporate them into my stress.

If I’m honest, I never thought anxiety was a big issue for me. I know I have it but I thought it was my depression that ruled most of my brain. I look at my friends who have panic attacks and can’t do something because of their anxiety and I just think that it’s not me. I know that when comparing my own mental health issues to others, they shrink in comparison. I still think it is good to talk about it. My panic attacks happen so infrequently that I forget what its like to have them.

Anyways, I wish I could find a way to help myself. I have meditation apps. I want to get back into yoga. I want to follow a schedule and eat healthy. I’ve been so tired these past few days.

If you have any tips. Comment, please. I’ll be posting again on Monday!✌🏾

Monday Moaning. Sorta just letting ya know how I plan on spending my week.

Howdy. It is Monday. I am still sick and the sick has made me fucking exhausted. Between all my medications for my period and the sickness in general, I didn’t notice how anxious I have been all week. Pilling on responsibilities like its a fucking buffet.

Perfect week to start reading a “You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life” by Jen Sincero. Fuck, there was one part when she mentioned being afraid to date because in the past you’ve only seen bad relationships and I mean, FUCK YES! I really wanted to put a lil flashlight on this little babe.

I hope my family and friends see this and don’t get salty but seeing their relationships and seeing how hard being in a relationship has been for them and how toxic they’ve been. I am so nervous about dating. I don’t like talking about dating. I get anxious by just having crushes. I panic with the idea of going on a date with someone. The entirety of dating freaks me out because I always wonder. Will dating this person ruin me and change all my values? Will this person take away what I value so much in myself? I see some people get into relationship and they stop making the art that they’re so good at or cry every night but start with them because there is this co-dependency. Gaining that unhappy weight and their partners criticizing them because of their bodies.

It just so happens that a lot of the people around me have been in bad relationships. I know that just because they’ve been in bad relationships doesn’t mean that when I get in one, but fuck does dating frighten me. I am trying so very hard to calm my anxiety and this book has been helping me loads.

I also, I want to make money off of my social media so that I can focus on my school work. Then after I get my bachelors, I want to study abroad to get my masters. I would also like to study abroad in between that and “You Are A BadAss” has made me feel like I can get all of this done. I CAN ACHIEVE!

But first, I’d like to nap until my next class because being sick is fucking exhausting. Read the book if you need inspiration because, it’s fucking amazing!

Normally when I’m super anxious in school, I just binge watch Doctor Who. My binging started yesterday. This is amazing. I will stop my yapping now. I love you all. Help me get success, thanks.

Guess who’s going back home today?

Hey, I’m already gonna make my way back home, my sister was kind enough to offer to buy me a ticket. I am so excited to hold my sweet nephew and see my mom and sisters and dad. My little pup Mocha. I miss my family. I also need to pick up a few sweaters before it gets super chilly.

I’ve been sick for like a week. My asthma and allergies combined destroy me when the seasons change, upper respiratory cold. I ate chicken twice since I’ve been at school and I promised I wouldn’t. One was chicken soup because I was sick and the other was because I was so hungry, I felt high (off pain killers and cold meds) and Alex made enough for two so she gave me a plate.

Being a lit major is exciting and hard and I’m so tired. Figuring out how to manage my time and energy. Friends, family, going to class/homework, managing cheese club, blogs. Although, blogs are nice. It’s my little outlet.

As I write this, I feel so fucking nauseous. I have one more class for the day and then I have cheese club two hours after, our very first for the year. I’m very excited and kinda nervous. Managing a club is like a business and it’s so stressful. *written on Thursday*

The first Cheese Club meeting was awesome. I was super anxious though. My friends supported me by talking more and my roommate came and gave me support. I was so anxious for the whole day.

Don’t tell my mom but I might skip my first class today. It’s my gym class and I’ve been sick all week, as i said earlier, I’m so tired and I ran the other day and I hurt my knee somehow. I spent yesterday totally drugged up with two pain killers and these drugs to stop all my mucus.

Before I go, Hurricane Irma past over my sister’s home in Tortola. We heard that she lots power but that was all. We hoped to hear from her but we didn’t;t for a long while. We called her friends and looked for some kind of outreach and today we finally contacted her. I’m so happy she’s okay. Tortola was really destroyed and there is no way off the island. I’d appreciate if you keep her in your prayers.

Thank you and I’ll be posting on Monday.

Sappy. It’s just sappy.

Hello, I am being sappy. Blame it on my hormones. I always get to a point where I crave intimacy. I just want cuddles and mutual understanding with someone. I want a relationship. I want that mutual shit. Okay, thats it. I just want that.

Now, onto homework, I do not want to do any but i have finished two out of four. Most are due tonight at 8. I seriously don’t want to but I will.

I want money to buy sweaters. I didn’t bring any sweaters to school only for it to be sweater weather once I get here. I’m really hoping that my sister buys me a ticket home next week so that I can get my cozy, cute clothes. I’m really considering  buying a big ass man sweater until I bring back my mother load of sweaters.

I want cuddles and kisses in warm clothes. Ugh. My mind is so distracted with these thoughts.

Anyway, happy Labor Day! See ya Friday!

Pointers From My First Week Back

This post will be randomly undated as the week goes on. I updated the blog to be a bit more Autumnal. I wore a sweater and a denim jacket on my first day. Guess who was sweating and super excited for Autumn!

Monday Tips:

Talking/complaining to people without mental health issues is horrible. Every situation you express to them, they act as if it’s no problem at all. I hate working in groups because I feel like I need to organize people. My non-anxious friends are so fine with going with the flow and I’m not. I need things to go how I need them or it’ll be some stupidity with my name on it. I get anxious in moments that I express with my non-anxious and they are just so fucking easy-going. It’s the worst.

Being a Lit major and getting free audiobooks is a fucking amazing. I have so many books that I need to finish. Thank goodness I have the overdrive app! I wrote a post if you’re confused.

So far, I have no class that I can use my laptop. I like to use it on days that I’m too tired to focus so that I can write or google stuff. I asked all of my teachers if I can crochet in my class. That way I’d have things to do with my hands and maybe I can fucking focus.

Tuesday Tips:

When you’re grouped with a bunch of stupid boys to spot you during your weight training class, just make fun of them to the female TA at the end of session. There was this one freshman that kept showing off my doing “push ups” his posture was so bad.

Go to sleep early so that you can actually get up early for the club fair (I went to bed at like 1:30) I overslept.

Wednesday Tips:

Don’t skip meals because it’s hot and excited. You may be on the verge of fainting

Don’t underestimate the power of Cheese Club. It’s a club that gives free food… we have like over 100 members now. We all got drunk and typed up all the new recruits. We are now finished and yelling at our screens about racism and the others mispronouncing of the word gif. It is GIF. Like if you add a “t” its Gift so why would it be jif without it?

I looked super hot fire today. My new thing is actually dressing up to make myself feel good and get me a date. All of my friends are seeing the dude that I have an eye on but not me!

SZA is my queen and my aesthetic.

My Science Fiction class that I was super excited for was incredible boring. The teacher kept talking about pure nonsence I wanted to leave, right then, immediately. I cant even be on my computer and ignore everything.

Thursday Tips:

Try to actually remember which classes need printed copies so that you don’t need to get up early and print them. Also… I am over this week. It is long and I WANT MY LONG WEEKEND!

Friday Tips:

Take it easy. You can’t control everything and everyone. People make their own choices. Speaking to people about your concerns is the best way to handle the situation.

Just take your time and do your homework.

Sorry this is late. Yesterday was A LOT.

Back at Schooool.

*I have not edited this*

Hey, again, I am back at school and I’m finally half way settled in. All of my roommates just got here. Everyone is talking about all of the accomplishments they plan on achieving this semester. Whether over ambitious or not, I am so excited for all of my friends.

I don’t know if I can express how excited I am for this semester, I know it will be hard but I’m excited to get through it. My roommates are planning on having morning workouts and eating healthy. Sleeping early and getting up early. They also want to “read more”.

My goals are not to be overwhelmed with the stress that will happen this semester. I don’t want to be stressed by everyone. I want to take my time. I want to get into a relationship (dating). I want to feel fulfilled in my class and I also want to be a kick ass cheese president.

I noticed that I’m not very open with my friends because of their feelings. It’s another thing I need to learn how to manage. I spent the summer that was so life changing. I just hope that I can incorporate that in my life. I know last semester was filled width stress and anxiety. I just hope this semester goes smoothly… AND I WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP. I AM OVER THIS SINGLE LIFE!

YOU FINNA DATE????

Lol. Peace. Tell your friends I’m single and looking for someone positive… and funny… and is understanding… and spiritual… Let’s just see how it goes.

Also, watch these videos. Tarot for your zodiac sign.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCeTmT_c5Tv2SHIQF2iRtaIA

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCc_sDAwu8hF0UClsYotlFuA

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCObG5sr-aGfQaOt0zV-ylnA